Management Jokes

Reorganization
Investment Theory
Resumé Mistakes
What Not To Put On A Resume
Workers' Compensation
An Honest Resume
Work Excuses
The American Way (of Management)
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
The History of Business (or The Very First Businesses)
Job Application
How to Attend a Meeting
Corporate Horoscope
Laws of Work
The Saga of Management Review of Writing Style
Parrot Prices
Star Trek After Today's Management Techniques
 

======================================================

From: MRLuehrmann@LBL.gov (8/7/97) to Techno-L
From Jeff Weiner (7/25/97)
 
Reorganization
 
We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
-- Petronius Arbiter 210 B.C.

======================================================

From: QOTD (8/7/97)
From: feren@ctron.com (Andrew C. Feren) (5/14/97)
 
Investment Theory
 
Well, it may be all right in practice, but it will never work in theory.
-- Warren Buffett on how the academic community
regards his investment approach.

======================================================

From: George C. Ruben (1/19/97)
From: Jay Borowsky <JAYBO@JUNO.COM> (1/14/97)
From: Dave Shuman <dshuman@surfer.sbm.temple.edu (1/14/97)
 
Resumé Mistakes
 
ON REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
 
ON JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
 
ON SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
 
ON PERSONAL INTERESTS:
 
ON SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
=======================================================
From: George Ruben (7/1/97)
From: Susan Braunhut
-- scooped from Office Systems 97, April 1997
 
What Not To Put On A Resume
=======================================================
 
From: MRLuehrmann@lbl.gov (3/27/96)
From: George C. Ruben (3/21/96)
 
Workers' Compensation
Re another reason there will always be an England (fwd)
 
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Sir,
 
I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor
Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller
explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
 
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed
my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later
were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand,
I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached
to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
 
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of
bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is
135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
 
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains
the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued
my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this
correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of
mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the
excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
 
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again
to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the
side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken
tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
 
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
 
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me,
I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
And I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
=======================================================
From: Martha Luehrmann (9/8/97)
From: Charlie Kulas (9/8/97)
From: dcarol@juno.com (Dany Carol)
 
AN HONEST RESUME
 
As I was working on re-spinning my resume this past week, I realized
that we're never quite truthful on resumes and job applications. We
try to make ourselves look as good as possible, usually better than we
really are. So today, I thought I'd fill out a job application the way I
want to rather than the way I should...
 
NAME: Greg Bulmash
 
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
 
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.
 
EDUCATION: Yes.
 
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
 
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
 
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen
pens and post-it notes.
 
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
 
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
 
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
 
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited
to a more intimate environment.
 
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?
 
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
 
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here
would be "do you have a car that runs?"
 
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
 
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
 
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living
in the Caribbean with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
 
SEX?: Not nearly enough.
 
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove
otherwise.
 
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
 
=======================================================
 
From: MRLuehrmann@lbl.gov
From: Susan Weintraub (11/10/95)
From: nessie@sfbayguardian.com (nessie)
From: susanb@mh1.lbl.gov
From: Leah Zagreus
Orig From: Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post
**********************************
 
Work Excuses
 
The following are from the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the Washington Post. It was a contest in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work
=======================================================
 
The American Way (of Management)
 
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a boat race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day of the race the Japanese won by a mile.
 
Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team", made up of senior management was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action.
 
Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Americans had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people are steering the boat and not enough people are rowing.
 
To prevent losing to the Japanese again the next year, the rowing teams management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this Quality First Program."
 
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
 

[5/15/97 note from Harold Federow to Martha

 
It was great seeing this again. We used to use this when I taught classes
in Boeing's Total Quality Management effort. Sadly, it was all too true
then, and is all too true now in many places.] 
======================================================
From: MRLuehrmann@LBL.gov  (6/6/95)
From: George.C.Ruben@Dartmouth.EDU (George C. Ruben)  (6/6/95)
 
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
 
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order
to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions.
 
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
 
1. How did you find out about God?
 
         __ Newspaper	__ Other Book
         __ Television	__ Divine Inspiration
         __ Word of mouth	__ Near Death Experience
         __ Torah 	__ Friend or Relative
         __ Bible	__ Other
         __ Koran	(specify): _____________
 
 
2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God?  Please check all that apply.
 
         __ Tarot	__ Lottery
         __ Horoscope	__ Television
         __ Fortune cookies	__ Ann Landers
         __ Self-help books	__ Sex
         __ Biorythms	__ Alcohol or drugs
         __ Mantras	__ Other: _____________________
         __ Insurance policies	__ None
 
 3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
 balanced level of felt presence and blind faith.  Which would you
 prefer (circle one)?
 
                 a. More Divine Intervention
                 b. Less Divine Intervention
                 c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
                 d. Don't know
 
 4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
 miracles.  Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
 following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
 
         a. Disasters (flood, famine,
              earthquake, war)           1   2   3   4   5
 
         b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous
              remission of disease, sports
              upsets)                            1   2   3   4   5
 
 5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
 the quality of God's services?  (Attach an additional sheet if
 necessary):  ______________________________________________
 __________________________________________________
 _________________________________________________
 
                              Thank you!
===================================================
From: The Laugh Web (8/11/97)
 
The History of Business (or The Very First Businesses)
 
Many, many years ago, there was no business on Earth. This is because the Earth was primarily molten lava, which is not a good economic climate. Office furnitur would melt in a matter of seconds.
Then the Earth started to cool, and tiny one-celled animals - the amigo, the parademic, the rotarian - began to form. Over the course of several million years, these animals learned to join together to form primitive corporations, called 'jellyfish,' which were capable of only the most basic business activities, such as emitting waste and eating lunch. By today's standards, these corporations were very unsophisticated: if, for example, you mentioned the phrase 'Dow Jones Industrial Average' to them, they would have no idea what you were talking about. They would probably sting you.
 
Did Dinosaurs Have Businesses?
Nobody can really say for sure, because the Ice Age destroyed all their records. But paleontologists now believe that, yes, dinosaurs probably did have businesses. Not the Brontosaurus, of course. That would be ridiculous? How would he hold his briefcase? But the Tyrannosaurus Rex has those funny little arms, which would have been perfect. Paleontolgoists think he was probably in Sales.
 
Primitive Human Businesses
When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went on for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. 'Why not,' he said, 'pile thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great big geometric shapes?' Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely terrific idea, and soon they were hard at work. It wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they had been suckered into a classic 'pyramid' scheme, and of course by that time, Oog was in the Bahamas.
 
Business During the Middle Ages
Business during the Middle Ages was slow. The main job opportunity available was serf, which involved whacking at the soil with a stick. It was not the kind of work where you had a lot of room for advancement. The best a serf could hope for, if he was really good at it, was that he would be rewarded by not having one of his arms sliced off by a passing knight.
 
If you wanted to be a knight you had to know somebody, and it really wasn't that much better than being a serf. You were always being sent off to try to get the Holy Land back from the Turks. This was no fun at all, because of course the Holy Land was very sunny, meaning your armor would get hot enough to fry an egg on. In fact the Turks, who dressed in light, casual, 100 percent cotton garments, would often do this. They'd sneak up behind a knight and crack an egg on his armor, then race away, laughing in Turkish, before he could turn around. So as you can imagine, knights would come back in a pretty bad mood, and often would have to slice off several serf arms before they even wanted to talk about it.
 
So the bottom line is that the Middle Ages were hardly the kind of ages where anybody wanted to make any long-term business commitments. All the really smart investors were waiting for the Renaissance.
 
The Renaissance
The Renaissance was caused by Leonardo da Vinci, who drew the first primitive sketches of what would eventually become the helicopeter. Of course, nobody really understood the significance of this at the time. But people did realize that, whatever this new invention was, it was going to require a tremendous amount of insurance. Thus a major business was born.
 
This was followed by trade with the Orient. The way this worked was, Europeans would gather up some gold, and they would tromp across Asia to the Orient, where they would trade their gold for spices. They didn't really want spices, you understand, but the Orientals claimed tha spice was all they had, and the Europeans, having tromped all that way, wanted to take home something.
After some yeas of this, the Europeans were starting to run out of gold. Also their food was so heavily spiced that it glowed in the dark. They probably would have all died of heartburn if Columbus had not discovered the New World.
 
The New World
Every schoolchild is familiar with the story of how Columbus set off in three tiny ships (the Pinto, the Cordoba, and the Coupe de Ville), and right away his crew started getting very nauseous and asking why for God's sake he had decided on three tiny ships instead of one medium ship. Nevertheless Columbus pressed on, ignoring popular fears that he would sail off the edge of the Earth, and finally he and his hardy band made it to the New World, except for the Pinto, which mysteriously exploded, and the Cordoba, which due to a navigational error actually did sail off the edge of the Earth.
 
The New World had an extremely good business climate. For one thing, there was plenty of land, and nobody owned it, unless you counted the people who had been living there for several thousand years. For another thing, it had an abundance of the two crucial factors you need for economic development: Water Power, in the form of rivers, and Raw Materials, in the form of ore. So soon millions of Europeans flocked over to the New World to make their fortunes. They stood around all day, sunup to sundown, throwing handfuls of ore into the rivers and waiting for economic development to take place. They would have starved to death if a friendly Indian named Squanto (which is Indian for "Native American") hadn't come along and shown them how to plant corn. "You put the seeds in the ground," explained Squanto. He couldn't believe what kind of morons he was dealing with.

Soon the corn came up, and the Europeans decided to celebrate by inviting all the Indians over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, then sending them off to live on reservations in North Dakota. 

===================================================
From: George C. Ruben (3/4/97)
 
Job Application
 
Here is an excerpt from a letter recently received by the Investment Banking department of a major bracket securities firm. The writer is applying for the position of Corporate Finance Analyst and has an unusual way of asserting his capabilities.
 
Following the letter is the firm's response.
 
------------------------ Candidates Letter:
Dear Recruiting Director,
 
Fourth and goal from the four. Down by six with time running out. Coach calls for the slant. Pressure rivaled only by the closing minutes in the commodities pits. I want the ball and I want a shot at the corporate finance analyst position.
 
I will be graduating from Texas A&M this coming May. This past summer I had the opportunity to go to New York and meet with professionals at several of Wall Street's leading investment banks. Since I thrive on competition, it did not take me long to decide that investment banking is where I want to start my career.
 
I realize that the competition is stiff and the job can be difficult. I am excited about the opportunity to work as an analyst and bring some Texas flavor to your firm. Success breeds success, and I have come to expect nothing short of success from myself. In short, I will catch the slant pass for the win, but I will also make the block that allows the quarterback to throw the pass.
 
My resume is enclosed. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
 
------------------------ Firm's Response:
Dear Candidate,
 
12:30 a.m. on a lonely Tuesday night. Managing Director left at 5:30 p.m. Critical client presentation at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning in Denver. Haven't had any sleep in 36 hours. Continue to wait while insignificant rushes are done ahead of my book in word processing. Only surviving on No-Doz, Snickers and warm Cokes since the caterer screwed up my dinner order. Got to get six books out to the airport for a 7:30 a.m. flight, its a blizzard out and my gas gauge reads "E" for empty.
 
These are the pressures a corporate finance analyst goes through in order to be successful. We seek individuals who are team players, willing to toil doing the mundane (to use your misplaced football analogy) "blocking and tackling", not someone who seeks the spotlight and the ball, only to keep the glory for himself.
 
You are correct in that the competition is stiff and the job difficult. Unfortunately, we don't neet any Texas flavor (we just get by on Tabasco and Cajun pepper), and the slant pattern you apparantly ran was the wrong call.
 
Best of luck in your continued job search (try a baseball analogy next time).
 
Sincerely,
Recruiting Director
 
N.B. We are still trying to determine how you could both block for the quarterback to throw a pass and catch that same pass at the same time. Apparently, you have Deion Sanders type of skills. Consequently, we have taken the liberty to forward your resume to the Dallas Cowboys.

===============================================================

From: Ashok J. Gadgil (6/10/97)
From: Donella H. Meadows <Donella.H.Meadows@dartmouth.edu> (6/10/97)
 
How to Attend a Meeting
by Dave Barry

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will require some work.

 
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
2. Going to meetings.
 
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No.2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
 
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
 
At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.
But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their "agenda".
At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.
 
The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.
 
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead, " you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.
There are two major kinds of meetings:
 
1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday. You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everyone getting to say something, the difference being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.
 
When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how they do it in Japan.
 
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it will plague Norm for the rest of his career).
 
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is, they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your tie. Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you have a phone call from someone very important such as the president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other. It would sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the company, or the Pope."
 
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles).
 
If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they should file quietly out of the room.

===================================================================

From: Karen Drew (8/7/96)
 
Laws of Work

===================================================================

From: Ralph Slepecky (7/22/97)
From: Rod Stokes <rstokes@seas.marine.usf.edu> (7/22/97)
 
Corporate Zodiac
--------------------------------------
Corporate Crusaders, here's a quick guide to your horoscope, or horrorscope if you happen to be in the business world for real! Those of us in science are all doomed anyway and need no one to tell us our future. Ha! Ha!
 
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday.
 
The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television.
 
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out ......
----------------------------------------------------------------
 
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
 
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
 
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
 
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
 
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
 
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
 
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".
 
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".
 
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

=======================================================

From: Cynthia Powers (4/3/96)
From: http://www.misty.com/laughweb/business/management.and.writing.style
 
The Saga of Management Review of Writing Style
 
Question: How many feet do mice have?
 
Original reply: Mice have four feet.
Mgmt. Comment: Elaborate!
 
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Mgmt. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!
 
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet
and one is a tail.
Mgmt. Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
 
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per
unit-mouse.
Mgmt. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
 
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies
and one tail assembly per body.
Mgmt. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
 
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.
Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end
opposite the body; the tail is not equipped
with a foot.
Mgmt. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!
 
Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be:
Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as
it would constitute misapportionment of scarce
appendage assets.
Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!
 
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a
small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse
structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse
sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
ornamental in nature.
Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
 
FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT:
Mice have four feet.

======================================================

From: hfederow@u.washington.edu (5/9/97)
 
Parrot Prices

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars."

 
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
 
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"
 
To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

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From: Ashok J. Gadgil <ajgadgil@lbl.gov> (4/16/97)
From: Raj E Gole <Raj_E_Gole@notes.seagate.com> (4/11/97)
Saint Diana of Wales offers this vision of what the 24th century would be like under today's management techniques.
 
Star Trek After Today's Management Techniques
 
After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".
 
Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's record keeping as he's stripped for parts.
 
All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core breach that kills everyone.
 
Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien females and smirk a lot.
 
As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.
Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel disability claims.
 
The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.
 
As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties Using No-longer-produced Shows).
 
Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the Ferengis, the Q and the Romulans.
 
A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.
The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times, they're still only getting 3% raises.

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